Unbothered and Fly: 5 Ways to Maximize Your Singleness

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I used to be the woman who felt that if I were not married then my life was meaningless. Perhaps my youthful plan to be married with children by 25 could be to blame. And, I think it’s safe to say that my life looks nothing like I planned and that isn’t a bad thing. I used to get hung up on the things that I didn’t have. I wasn’t making the money that I thought that I deserved, I didn’t have the relationship that I wanted, and I was far away from family and friends more times than not. My life felt restricted and I wasn’t happy about it. But, what could I do? This was my reality and I didn’t see a way out, so I decided to maximize it.

Unfortunately, when women start to get closer to 30, they begin to question themselves if they aren’t married. They may start listening to their biological clock, hear the chatter of family and friends during the holiday season, or even the small voice within themselves asking, “why aren’t you married?” I, too, know what this is like but I decided to do something about it that would NOT take me out of the will of God. In the past, I would try to change my situation and circumstance by medicating with other things that just left me even more empty, but I’m about to share some tips that have helped me maximize my singleness and glow up! Literally.

  • Mind your own business--it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s business. This is especially true when you’re scrolling on social media all day. Maybe you aren’t doing it all day but you do it every chance you get a break. This is bad behavior. Your brain is not built to sustain the overload of social media. Your emotions aren’t strong enough to withstand the subtle comparisons. Limit your social media time and start focusing on other things. If you have some spare time then call a friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while. Check on your family. Do something other than invest your emotions into the lives of other people. When I limited my time on social media, I was much healthier and happier. It’s time to stop scrolling.

 

  • Transform your negative outlook into positive energy–Ok, so you’re mad that you don’t have a boo for the summer. Well, maybe you aren’t mad that you’re not with anyone in this season, but cuffin’ season is soon approaching and you might fall into those emotions. It’s easy and I have to work daily to ensure that I don’t succumb to them. So how do you transform your negativity into positivity? First you have to admit that you are a negative Nancy in this area. You have to be honest with yourself. After you do this, then you must find some hobby, life group, or activity that would allow you to channel your energies for good. When we harbor ill emotions, it impacts our physical, psychological, and emotional health. You honestly don’t have time to be negative. When I found myself in this position, I became a mentor in a women’s substance abuse center. I poured myself into the women in the center and realized that my limited perspective of my life was nothing compared to the traumas that they’ve endured. Sis, challenge your perspective.

 

  • Write a book. Start a podcast. Start a blog/vlog–I believe in the power of writing. During my singleness, I wrote my first book that did very well. It took me about 30 days to pen the book and a few months to revise and edit, but I did it. I believe that there is power in writing and power in focus. Perhaps, one reason that you aren’t maximizing your singleness is because you aren’t capitalizing on your time. There are people to be reached, problems to be solved, and solutions to be created. The world needs you. Get busy. Help others while you’re helping yourself.

 

  • Invest in yourself–What will the dash on your headstone say about you? Will it tell a story of one who wasted their life on careless living, or will it tell a different narrative? You have to invest in yourself. This may mean getting a job, staring a small business, learning trade or hobby. You are your greatest asset. Too many times, people believe that they need a plug to help them reach their destiny, and while I believe that relationships are important, people will not invest where you haven’t invested first. You should also invest in your physical health and outward appearance. Being healthy is not a fad but has to be a lifestyle. Further, you must remember that putting on clothes to make yourself feel good about yourself isn’t bad. When I dress up, I feel a lot better than when I’m lounging. While I do believe that lounging has a time and place, use wisdom. You should trade too.

 

  • Do your work–This is the step that most people skip, but it is the most important. You cannot attract what you will not become! You have to work on yourself in tandem with Holy Spirit. This means that there will be days when you cry. There will be low days and high ones. There will be moments when you feel like giving up. Times when God will show you the ugliness about yourself and you might be saddened by it. But, you have to realize that doing your work is messy but the person on the other side of your wholeness will thank you for it. You cannot afford to continue to create victims. You cannot live lackadaisical and expect to feel fulfilled. You must do something and this will lead you into a new understanding of who you are.

 

A couple of things:

If you haven’t already ordered, you should check out my latest book Woman of Royalty, which teaches women how to find their identity in Christ.

You can also join my t-shirt campaign, Academically Dope, which is on sale now through June 20th in honor of Juneteenth. Just use the code Juneteeth at checkout.

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Queen-ing Shoes

These are my favorite heels! Yes a post about heels. The reason these are my favorite pair, out of almost 50 pairs, is because of the colors and the stones. I bought these shoes circa 2013 while I was visiting in Dallas, Texas. I immediately fell in love with them honestly. They are a vibrant shoe that can be seen miles away.

fullsizeoutput_2d81But, there is another reason why I love this shoe. I’ll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone.

I love this shoe because it represents my personality. I feel so unique and stylish when I strut across the street. These shoes seem to make a statement about me before I open my mouth. Another reason why I love these shoes is because I bought them at a time when I didn’t have the highest self-esteem. Yes, I wanted to be fabulous, feel pretty, and the like, but I didn’t have confidence in myself. Namely, because I allowed myself to settle for less than God had for me. In every area of my life, I refused to pay the price of becoming. This entails becoming who I was created to be.

Why you may ask? Why were you so comfortable with settling? Because I lacked identity in Christ. This may sound cliché but it’s not. When we lack identity in Christ, we lack the clearest perception of ourselves. We struggle to be better, live better, and make better choices. We become complacent because we may feel that we don’t deserve God’s best, but that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Women, we are called to be queens. Think about Queen Esther. She didn’t have anything when she went into the palace to assume her royal position. In fact, she was an orphan–both her parents were gone and was raised by her male cousin. Likewise, though I’m no orphan in the natural, I was one in the spirit. I wandered around, ignoring God’s call on my life and living quite reckless.

But, when I saw the shoe in the store, I was drawn to it. I was drawn to its beauty and it’s difference. There aren’t many shoes in my closet that I can say the same about, but this one, I believe was picked out for me. I didn’t know back then that God was starting a process that would lead me to this place. That he was positioning me to talk these shoes years later.

Now, I can write about this purchase in retrospect because I took the time to find my identity in him. I took the time to seek him–though not willingly at first. I took the long path, but you don’t.

While I can pinpoint certain areas of my walk with certain purchases, certain thoughts, and interactions, they all go back to the spiritual walk I underwent. The identity that I lacked, and the very low self-esteem I once had. Ladies, your identity is never in a relationship, nor defined by who didn’t choose you. But, it is identified by Christ who knew you before the foundations of the world.

Homework:

Your homework is to go in your closet and find your favorite heel. Identify why you like it, when you bought it, and what state of mind you were in. Then access if you’re still married to those emotions and write why the shoe is still your favorite. This simple step will help you access growth.