The Day that I Realized that I Didn’t Know Who I Was

2013, the worst year of my life. Literally. It was a year of testing for me. I had just moved to St. Louis from Mississippi for graduate school a few months prior, and I was not adapting as well as I’d thought. If that wasn’t enough, my longterm relationship was on the rocks–as it usually was–but it was coming to a real end this time. We both knew it.

Usually, I was prepared for the on and off of the relationship but this felt different. Something within me dropped. And, it dropped so hard that I couldn’t recover quickly. This was when I realized that I didn’t know who I was. During this time, I had my first taste of depression and its seduction.

On the outside, I had it all together. I was in a M.A. program and doing well, but internally, I was struggling. I didn’t know what I liked outside of that relationship and if I’m honest, I never knew. I was a relationship hopper. Perhaps, situationship hopper is a better way to categorize it. I always had an ace and a spare. I was prepared. Prepared for destruction.

I tried not to be the type to get caught slipping but I did. I failed myself during that season, and in my brokenness I told myself that I would never get that low again. I promised myself that I would neither allow another relationship to define me nor give me value. I told myself that something had to change and I meant it.

Have you ever been low before? Have you ever visited the place where you couldn’t see the forest for the trees? I’ve been there and it sucks. It’s not fun realizing that you’ve betrayed yourself. It’s no fun realizing that you’ve put yourself on display again, and for what? Likes? Empty validation?

In retrospect, I truly believed that someone could give me value. I attached myself to the belief that I was worthy of love only if someone told me that they loved me. I was a lost woman who was trying to desperately find something.

I didn’t know then that I was searching for my identity, which is something that people were unable to give me.

Are you trying to find yourself? Order my latest book: Woman of Royalty: Rule From A Place of Authority. I’ll walk you through the journey.

WOR flyer

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Unbothered and Fly: 5 Ways to Maximize Your Singleness

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I used to be the woman who felt that if I were not married then my life was meaningless. Perhaps my youthful plan to be married with children by 25 could be to blame. And, I think it’s safe to say that my life looks nothing like I planned and that isn’t a bad thing. I used to get hung up on the things that I didn’t have. I wasn’t making the money that I thought that I deserved, I didn’t have the relationship that I wanted, and I was far away from family and friends more times than not. My life felt restricted and I wasn’t happy about it. But, what could I do? This was my reality and I didn’t see a way out, so I decided to maximize it.

Unfortunately, when women start to get closer to 30, they begin to question themselves if they aren’t married. They may start listening to their biological clock, hear the chatter of family and friends during the holiday season, or even the small voice within themselves asking, “why aren’t you married?” I, too, know what this is like but I decided to do something about it that would NOT take me out of the will of God. In the past, I would try to change my situation and circumstance by medicating with other things that just left me even more empty, but I’m about to share some tips that have helped me maximize my singleness and glow up! Literally.

  • Mind your own business--it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s business. This is especially true when you’re scrolling on social media all day. Maybe you aren’t doing it all day but you do it every chance you get a break. This is bad behavior. Your brain is not built to sustain the overload of social media. Your emotions aren’t strong enough to withstand the subtle comparisons. Limit your social media time and start focusing on other things. If you have some spare time then call a friend that you haven’t spoken to in a while. Check on your family. Do something other than invest your emotions into the lives of other people. When I limited my time on social media, I was much healthier and happier. It’s time to stop scrolling.

 

  • Transform your negative outlook into positive energy–Ok, so you’re mad that you don’t have a boo for the summer. Well, maybe you aren’t mad that you’re not with anyone in this season, but cuffin’ season is soon approaching and you might fall into those emotions. It’s easy and I have to work daily to ensure that I don’t succumb to them. So how do you transform your negativity into positivity? First you have to admit that you are a negative Nancy in this area. You have to be honest with yourself. After you do this, then you must find some hobby, life group, or activity that would allow you to channel your energies for good. When we harbor ill emotions, it impacts our physical, psychological, and emotional health. You honestly don’t have time to be negative. When I found myself in this position, I became a mentor in a women’s substance abuse center. I poured myself into the women in the center and realized that my limited perspective of my life was nothing compared to the traumas that they’ve endured. Sis, challenge your perspective.

 

  • Write a book. Start a podcast. Start a blog/vlog–I believe in the power of writing. During my singleness, I wrote my first book that did very well. It took me about 30 days to pen the book and a few months to revise and edit, but I did it. I believe that there is power in writing and power in focus. Perhaps, one reason that you aren’t maximizing your singleness is because you aren’t capitalizing on your time. There are people to be reached, problems to be solved, and solutions to be created. The world needs you. Get busy. Help others while you’re helping yourself.

 

  • Invest in yourself–What will the dash on your headstone say about you? Will it tell a story of one who wasted their life on careless living, or will it tell a different narrative? You have to invest in yourself. This may mean getting a job, staring a small business, learning trade or hobby. You are your greatest asset. Too many times, people believe that they need a plug to help them reach their destiny, and while I believe that relationships are important, people will not invest where you haven’t invested first. You should also invest in your physical health and outward appearance. Being healthy is not a fad but has to be a lifestyle. Further, you must remember that putting on clothes to make yourself feel good about yourself isn’t bad. When I dress up, I feel a lot better than when I’m lounging. While I do believe that lounging has a time and place, use wisdom. You should trade too.

 

  • Do your work–This is the step that most people skip, but it is the most important. You cannot attract what you will not become! You have to work on yourself in tandem with Holy Spirit. This means that there will be days when you cry. There will be low days and high ones. There will be moments when you feel like giving up. Times when God will show you the ugliness about yourself and you might be saddened by it. But, you have to realize that doing your work is messy but the person on the other side of your wholeness will thank you for it. You cannot afford to continue to create victims. You cannot live lackadaisical and expect to feel fulfilled. You must do something and this will lead you into a new understanding of who you are.

 

A couple of things:

If you haven’t already ordered, you should check out my latest book Woman of Royalty, which teaches women how to find their identity in Christ.

You can also join my t-shirt campaign, Academically Dope, which is on sale now through June 20th in honor of Juneteenth. Just use the code Juneteeth at checkout.