2013, the worst year of my life. Literally. It was a year of testing for me. I had just moved to St. Louis from Mississippi for graduate school a few months prior, and I was not adapting as well as I’d thought. If that wasn’t enough, my longterm relationship was on the rocks–as it usually was–but it was coming to a real end this time. We both knew it.
Usually, I was prepared for the on and off of the relationship but this felt different. Something within me dropped. And, it dropped so hard that I couldn’t recover quickly. This was when I realized that I didn’t know who I was. During this time, I had my first taste of depression and its seduction.
On the outside, I had it all together. I was in a M.A. program and doing well, but internally, I was struggling. I didn’t know what I liked outside of that relationship and if I’m honest, I never knew. I was a relationship hopper. Perhaps, situationship hopper is a better way to categorize it. I always had an ace and a spare. I was prepared. Prepared for destruction.
I tried not to be the type to get caught slipping but I did. I failed myself during that season, and in my brokenness I told myself that I would never get that low again. I promised myself that I would neither allow another relationship to define me nor give me value. I told myself that something had to change and I meant it.
Have you ever been low before? Have you ever visited the place where you couldn’t see the forest for the trees? I’ve been there and it sucks. It’s not fun realizing that you’ve betrayed yourself. It’s no fun realizing that you’ve put yourself on display again, and for what? Likes? Empty validation?
In retrospect, I truly believed that someone could give me value. I attached myself to the belief that I was worthy of love only if someone told me that they loved me. I was a lost woman who was trying to desperately find something.
I didn’t know then that I was searching for my identity, which is something that people were unable to give me.
Are you trying to find yourself? Order my latest book: Woman of Royalty: Rule From A Place of Authority. I’ll walk you through the journey.