The One Reason I Settled: I Wanted To


He tricked me. I mean really tricked me into believing that he was different. Though he told me that he appreciated me and would never do me wrong, something happened to change that. He went back to her. She, the woman of his past. The one who had his heart the entire time, so why did I think that I could change him?

So many women feel this way, right? We fall for a trail of lies that only lead us into deception. So, why do we do it? Why do we think that something will change if all the signs are there? We really believe that we can turn water into wine, and that is our own fault.

I used to tell myself the above narrative. In some way, shape, form, or fashion, I truly believed that I was deceived. And, I was, but I deceived myself. I settled and it was by choice. He was fine! He was a butter scotch complexion (which isn’t usually my type), light brown eyes, white teeth and nice smile, athletic, broad shoulders, and had a voice that was beautiful. He was fine and the weakness within me–both emotionally and physically–made me want him even the more. I wanted him so badly that I brought down my expectations. Purposefully.

I bet you never thought that you would hear me admit that I settled a lot in life because I wanted to. I mean, there are several people to blame for my mistakes: my mom, my dad, my aunts, uncles, teachers, and anyone that refused to give me a chance, but that would be misleading of me. The truth is that I settled because I wanted to. Though my mouth told a different story, if you peel back to onion of my life, you will find that I am at the core of my decisions. I decided to live and date beneath who I was created to be and I did so because I didn’t know who I was.

My fractured identity lead me to this point. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel something…anything. I needed him. I thought. I needed his attention. He saw through me and capitalized on it, but I allowed him to do so. Why? Because I wanted to settle.

Can you relate?

My upcoming book Woman of Royalty: Rule From A Place of Authority, challenges women to find out who they are in an attempt to show them how they’ve been living beneath their essence. I use Esther’s life (biblical) and my story as a blueprint to show how living devoid of identity leads to traumatic experiences, decisions, and lifestyles. Don’t believe me? Order to book to find out.

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The God of the Last Minute–I Don’t Like It

My Post-102.jpgWhile He’s an awesome God, He is also the God of the last minute and if we are honest, in these times He doesn’t feel so awesome. As we move into the “deeper” things of God, He starts to show just how multi-dimensional He is. He shifts us out of the courting stage in Him and into the training, the breaking, the molding. He challenges our ideas, our limitations, and our processes–and this is the LAST MINUTE GOD.

I’ve often heard people say that “He’s an on time God.” In fact, there’s a song about it as well, but I don’t believe that we really understand the magnitude of this statement or even the unrest that it evokes within us. While the timing of God is perfect in His sight, it is not always perfect in ours. I’m learning this hard lesson as He destroys every plan that I’ve constructed for my life.

Can I be honest? It’s quite unsettling. It hurts. It makes me feel schizophrenic. One minute I’m up and the next I’m in the valley in tears. The God of the last minute is one that I’ve never met and I can’t say that I really like this side of Him. I’m used to the doting God. The one who tells me how wonderful I am. I like the God of the blessings. The God of mercy. The God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob.

But, didn’t He do this to Abraham? Didn’t God wait until there was no more time left in the game to show up? You know the story of how Abraham was instructed by God to take his son Issac on the mountain to offer a sacrifice unto the Lord (Genesis 22:1-19). God gave him the instruction but He didn’t offer much else. In obedience, Abraham went to the top of the mountain with His only son and was about to slay him until he heard the angel of the Lord speak, warning him not to kill Isaac.

But, what was going on internally with Abraham? While the scripture is silent on the matter, it does not take away from the human side of our father of faith. He was a man trusting God. And, trusting God is not always easy, especially if you can’t trace what He will do. I believe that Abraham had the ability to go through with the command because He had already learned God as the God of the last minute.

Let’s think through this: Abraham was impotent when God quickened his body with the ability to impregnate his wife. The Message version of Hebrews 11:12 says that Abraham’s body was “dead” and his “loins were shriveled.” (The shade is real). This shows us that God waited until Abraham couldn’t produce a seed within his own body to give him a supernatural seed. And, if God could do this then He certainly could provide the sacrifice, right?

This is where we come into a deeper relationship with God. It is not enough to say that God is God, the Lord, magnificent, a way maker, a healer, a provider, if we don’t have that type of history with Him. Yes, in the past I’ve known God as a way maker but never as a provider and they are distinctively different. Yes, He opened doors for me and gave me favor, but I didn’t have context to understanding Him as a provider until now.

The God of the last minute is God the provider.

Our timetables often get in the way of our understanding of this. Our desperate need to have timely provision restricts our faith and this is where God has to move in and change our understanding. God of the last minute is the same God of faith. It is only through hard circumstances, tight situations, unfavorable pressure that we can please God through our faith.

In Hebrews 11:6, it says that “It’s impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him” (MSG). Sometimes we think that our works please God–and they do. Sometimes we think that our moral standing pleases God–and it does. But, what pleases God the most is our faith in Him.

I had to learn the latter half of the scripture, which says that we must believe that “he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.” In essence, I had to believe that God loved me and because he loved me that He would never withhold anything from me that would be for my benefit, but first He had to enlarge the territory of my faith.

This, He did through the last minute moments in my life.