I asked God not to request this blog. In fact, I had another idea for a write-up for this week and it didn’t contain any of my secrets. It was an encouraging one that everyone might relate to. It was one filled with inspiration that allowed me to withhold parts of my story from the world. From myself.
I was laying in bed when He gave me the topic of this post. He asked me to write a post on how we break our own hearts. Namely, he wanted me to write about how I break mine and know that I’m doing it. He asked me to reveal to my readers a truth that I’ve tried to hide from myself for a long time, but somehow it keeps surfacing. The truth is that the way that I break my own heart is how I’ve always done it. Putting myself on sale for the highest bidder then settling for the grey area.
I don’t believe we are designed for the area between where we are and where we want to be when it comes to relational ties. I don’t believe that people are really ok with getting a fraction of what they desire either. However, sometimes we do settle. We do put ourselves on sale. We do break our own hearts. And, it has less to do with the other person and more to do with our insecurities.
Situationships are one of the most common ways that we self-destruct. I’ve had a lot of them in my life. Situations where the individual would pursue me so intensely until I was finally interested. After a while, they would switch on me. Lose interest. Change their minds. Say they weren’t ready. Realize my weaknesses.
Those moments were never easy for me. Internally I would beg the person to see that I was worthy of their time and their love, and that I would be an asset to them. I would raise them up on my shoulders to prove myself. I would hurt every time they didn’t call, text, or reach out.
But, I couldn’t get mad at their negligence because “we weren’t together,” right? I shouldn’t have expectations for the person if we never established clear boundaries for our interactions. The seduction of love can be so lethal that it can destabilize you.
I was a willing participant in these interactions and every situationship that I entertained pushed me further and further away from God. I knew that God called me to be a wife and not someone’s stand in. I was called to permanently occupy a space and not just keep a seat warm until they found another…someone better. But even knowing these things I stayed. I stayed because feeling something, anything, let me know that my heart still worked. Even if it worked against me. Their lack of commitment to me reflected my inability to commit to myself.
Having someone to talk to everyday became important to me until it wasn’t. Until I saw my own disappointment surfacing in the conversations. Until I took inventory of my emotions. Until I saw my smile fade. See, there are things that we can’t settle comfortably in, and there are things that we tolerate for a small amount of time; however, when the time is up we leave casualties of war who once had good intentions for us. The road to hell is paved with people with good intentions.
Even my intentions turn on me without notice. This is why situationships were so easy to fall into even if we know the outcome. Walking away from them can be even harder, but at some point we have to stop building the person in front of us and return to building ourselves. We have to make the decision to stop tearing ourselves down for the hypothetical love of another. For the thoughts of how our lives could be, and accept our reality. Even if we break our own hearts in the process.
I know what’s it’s like to have to choose yourself and the pain of doing that is perhaps one of the greatest hurts that I’ve experienced. Yet, each time that I’ve looked back on a decision to choose me–no matter how hard–I’ve been grateful. No matter the pain of the process.
If you’re going to break your own heart, do it in an upward way.