Someone once told me that “If you can’t talk about it, you aren’t free from it.” Those words stuck with me for a while and they still surface from time to time. To sit in your truth and own it is one of the most scary things for me. It’s like putting my life’s experiences on a big screen and watching them play back for the world to see. However, the whole world doesn’t see. I’m the only witness and I’m often mortified.
To bear witness to my own dysfunction is very bitter-sweet. I can measure my growth, discover areas that still need work, and look forward to new versions of myself. However, the process isn’t always that easy. When I look back at the ways I put myself on sale for the highest bidder–not sexually but emotionally–I am heartbroken. I used to auction off my worth by overextending myself to prove to others I was a good choice. I used to jam myself into a space that was always too small. Sometimes I wanted to be small because everyone around me was small. But then I would get angry at them because they were too small. So I would try to make them big in order to fit my bigness but it never worked.
Walking in freedom means walking in truth. Baring your soul and trusting that it was always about others and never about yourself. If we keep this in mind, that our pains our traumas and struggles were designed to save the next person then we will help lessen the blow. Now it won’t be overly easy but it will help cope with the disappointments.
I know that my life is a story that will eventually help someone in need. So many times we sit on our truth because we don’t want others to judge us. But even if we lived a perfect life we would be judged. There must come a time when we trust in ourselves more than we trust in others. When we choose to do right when we want to do wrong. When we divorce bondage and marry freedom.
Freedom doesn’t always feel free, it actually feels like work at first but there is a split moment when we come into consciousness and breathe an air that we never knew existed.