I was riding in the car with a close friend of mine, talking about life’s lessons, my past decisions to keep people in my life who shouldn’t be there, and things I’ve learned along the way. In a moment of transparency I mentioned my thought processes, the dangers and my shortcomings. In a flash, without even thinking I said, “I’ve always gotten upset when men would leave me, I mean I would be out for the count, but what I didn’t realize is that I had already left myself.” <–That sentence shocked me because it didn’t come out of my head but out of my soul. It was lodged in the depths of my being, festering, growing, causing me to die. Sometimes we speak out of the abundance of our heart–that’s scripture–and sometimes the words shock us as we bring them forth. I was shocked because I never admitted to anyone the negligence in which I held my life.
I used to be a person who wanted to save everyone. Because I’ve experienced rejection and mistreatment I wanted to shield others from its hold. However, in advocating and saving them, I left my back uncovered and the enemy often fired bullets into my person leaving me wounded, crawling and grasping for air. No one would be around to save me. I reasoned several times that this is the way you show people you are nice, caring, and more importantly validate they are valuable. The toxic learned behavior crippled me every time I attempted to rise. In helping and saving others I dropped myself down a long well and I silently drowned behind a million dollar smile.
When we leave ourselves for others we enter into a state of danger and turmoil. We devalue our worth and trample on our emotions hoping someone will stop our treacherous behavior, like a parent stopping a child who’s jumping on the bed. We task others with the job of making us whole because we seek to do the same for them. Yet, when they don’t show up in the way we need them, we are angered, browbeaten, defeated. I’ve been in this place so many times, in fact I took up residence there. I told myself in the secret part of me that this is the way things will always be and there would never be any changes.
It was I who needed to change. The reason why I was so angry with other people for using me and leaving me was because I had done it to myself first and couldn’t admit it. I fell into the mentality that if I helped others then they will automatically return the favor. Truthfully, I valued their lives more than I valued mine, and in my misinterpretation of accessing value I relinquished myself over to pain. Using others to anesthetize my dreadful actions it was I who first left myself sitting on the bus stop of life hoping a savior would pick me up.
When you leave yourself at the mercy of others, you willingly allow them to take you in directions against your will. This is an oxymoron. How can you allow something that is against your will? Well, inwardly you are against it but outwardly your actions justify the behavior. Because you’re at war and not rooted in your being, you shift as the wind blows. In retrospect, it was never the other people I was angry at, but myself. I was in these positions because I wanted to feel important and wanted to be valued, but in searching for these things the outcome was the opposite.
Knowing who you are is an essential component in life. It determines your actions, goals, interactions, and lifestyle. It helps to set the pace of elevation and can sometimes protect you from falling. When I realized that I left myself somewhere many years ago, I decided to go back and find her. She was waiting for me to travail through the mess that I’ve picked up over the years and find beauty in her essence.
To you my love, my essence, my being, I’ve found you and vow to never let go again. I’m sorry!