The hardest thing I’ve struggled to master is the art of choosing myself. Often times I battle between two opinions because I never want people to feel that I’ve given up on them; this impulse is because I’ve been given up on several times. The pain of losing someone or even never being chosen is detrimental and it stings over and over again. I know this pain very well which is why I always struggled to let others free from my hold. Even in the face of being hurt myself, I always want to protect other’s feelings.
This thought process has cost me a lot. It’s cost so much that I didn’t know how to stop the cycle. It had become a normality, one that I never expected to come out of. I reasoned to myself that this is the way things have always been and this is how they will always be. How terribly wrong of me to give up on myself and my future. Recently, I walked away from a mindset that had me bound for quite some time. It victimized me, held me down and made me believe that nothing would ever turn out in my favor.
Honestly, I made a decision that I thought I could never make. I chose me. I chose to love me and truly believe in my worth. I finally believed that I was enough for anyone and whomever was blinded to that…well it was their own fault. I decided not to negotiate any longer, beg, plead, or cry. Well I did cry but the tears were uncannily different this time. I cried because I didn’t know that I had the power to choose my own happiness. I cried for the countless times that I put others over myself. I cried because I had forsaken me at will. I broke my own heart when I decided that it was up to someone else to make me happy.
I came to myself recently and it’s been a long time coming. I shut the door on what ifs, I stopped driving my car and consistently checking the rearview. And needless to say it felt weird. It hurt but it felt good in retrospect.
This is something that I rarely speak about because I’ve been so worried about my image and looking perfect that I canceled out my humanity.
It’s ok to choose you by any means necessary and you’re not selfish because of it.