I watched you on the horizon, where the sun and the land meet. You looked so beautiful, nothing like I imagined, though I imagined you several times. The potential you have, the magnificent possibility, the complete majestic package. Still so far away, yet within arms reach, I extend my arm and open my hand to reach for you, but I only grab the air.
My life has always been one of delayed gratification. Growing up in a single parent home, having to take majority of the responsibility for my brothers and sisters while my mom worked 2 jobs, long waits for graduation, the writing process…things like that. When people look at me on the outside they swear I’m lucky. They think I came from a privileged background, they create these narratives in their head about me that are just not true.
Sometimes I get discontent about my life. Everything that happens to me, happens after much travail. It’s continuous work, pushing and pulling, tears, and sleepless nights. In the end, it does always pay off, but when is the end when there is no end in sight? I find it incredibly hard to watch others step into their dreams and purpose when I’m only on the cusp of mines. I’m happy for them but I’m sad for me.
The time it takes to get to certain moments in my life seem like they are worth it, but by the time I get there, I’m so exhausted that I hardly can enjoy the moments. So I keep pushing towards the next thing, searching for something that is immediate, tangible, quickly obtained. It doesn’t happen that way though. No matter how much I attempt to rush the process, acquire more, do more, it’s not satisfying.
When on the cusp of destiny things appear to get tough. Discontentment sets in, pain, invisible dreams that seem to materialize in your imagination. These times are critical and they teach us more than we care to admit. However, the lessons are long and hard, reality hurts. Not as much as delay though.
I’m still working on this part of my life. The part that wishes to rush the process along. The moment where I struggle to celebrate others who are in their destiny while I wait for the moment to step into mine. I think I’m getting better at it, just not completely there yet.