Transitioning Dangerously

Have you ever been in the place between where you were and where you are going? That place where you’re unsure of a couple of things but you know something is calling you to another level? The dark hallway between surety and uncertainty? Maybe you’re trying to stabilize in quicksand. You’re in transition.

Transitioning is difficult for me because it interrupts everything that I’ve worked to build. Sometimes while in the process I’m kept up at night, other times my emotions are like a yo-yo. It’s hard, I hate it because it makes me question almost everything. It interrupts my normalcy and shakes the foundations I’ve built so badly that when the smoke clears, there’s nothing else but debris. During this time I feel like I can’t trust myself, I become my own worst critic and I start to sabotage. Sometimes it’s friendships, other times it’s my dreams. In essence I throw a tantrum.

Someone once told me that when people’s visions don’t align with their current lifestyle, they act out. And, I couldn’t agree more. My actions a lot of times when I’m in transition are reactionary to a secret silent inner war that I’m only aware of. During these times I tend to over eat for comfort, I isolate myself because I don’t want others to hear my truth, and I cry silently. Though sometimes the tears never leave my eyes, prideful, there is an inward weeping that almost happens daily.

In retrospect, I believe that majority of my life has been in the season of transition. Either I was moving from one place to another geographically, becoming conscious–spiritually and socially, going from one school to the next etc., I’ve consistently been caused to stretch. And stretching leaves ugly marks and is singular. People can’t go with you when you’re in transition, even your old self has to be divorced from your destiny–I think that’s the hardest part.

In transition, you don’t know who you are anymore for the sake of becoming better. Often times, you’re in fear of the unknown. It is the most potent yet important times of your life. But, transition the wrong way can kill so many things. It can kill your dreams, your beliefs, your foundations and relationships. There’s no way to move from one state of being to the next. The only way to be sure to survive is to, as Toni Morrison writes, “surrender to the air and you can ride it.”

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