Sometimes I’m insecure about my appearance. There are moments where I feel downright ugly, like I have a face only a mother could love, like I am the most unattractive person in the world. On those days I usually wear a hat to cover my face, my clothes seem to follow my feelings, and so do my actions. My thoughts, those things that only I am conscious of impact my whole day. These days are sporadic, maybe a couple of times a month. They come when I feel alone, like my life isn’t going in the direction I want it to go, like my attempts at success seem to fall and shatter in a million pieces.
I don’t have a formula as to how to circumvent these feelings of being unpretty. I don’t even know how long it takes for me to notice the beginning of them. They seem to sneak up on me at times. Being unpretty to me continues to show me that I’m not invisible. It challenges me to not smile when I don’t want to, not to mask my feelings behind makeup and natural hair. On those days, I have to sit in my truth.
I don’t try to hide those “off” days anymore. I’ve mistakenly discovered that if I’m forced to acknowledge them then I’m growing. Have you ever heard the saying “You cannot overcome what you won’t confront?” I’m a believer. I have to be tough on myself. I cry. I retreat inside myself. I take a nap. I breathe. Take one step at a time and believe that on those days my attention to the internal conversations will serve as distant memories sailing on the horizon.