Sometimes I hate being single. I hate it with a passion. I think the reason why I find my single state so depressing is because everyone seems to be having the opportunity to spend their lives with others. When holidays come around, especially those significant ones that attract out-of-towners, and new boos and booettes, I want to throw up. I find myself envious of having someone to tell my secrets, share my accomplishments, and my dreams. I hate rolling over in the cold spot at night. Most of all I really dislike the feeling of being alone.
During my time of singleness I’ve learned to appreciate companionship. I used to take people for granted, always unsatisfied with relationships, and just searching for something more. But, in my singleness, I’ve developed this uncanny sensing of who’s for me and who isn’t. And, that makes the process even harder. I used to think that having discernment meant that I would have an advantage over people, and I do, but I also have the disadvantage of not wasting time. That might sound weird, as I often hear people say “Don’t waste my time” but secretly sometimes people want their time wasted. In some minds its better to have someone waste your time than have your time stored up waiting for someone to come one day. #TheStruggle
Only sometimes I have these thoughts. Other times I am grateful that I’m single. That I can come and go as I please, I don’t have to worry about being concerned with someone else and consider their feelings, to not have the stress that comes along with relationships, and all of the above. When I’m in my right mind, I love my singleness. I’ve learned who I really was, my true goals and dreams. I understood my limitations and was able to inspect myself. In my singleness I have to sit down, sit quietly, and learn a new truth…about me.
I often times hear people say the single season is the most important season, bit generally these people now have relational ties, they are married with children and a white picket fence. SO they are speaking retrospectively. I value their opinions and encouragement, but sometimes it’s hard to listen to them. Sometimes I facile between two opinions, two worlds, two souls in one body–double consciousness. Moving between two feelings becomes taxing for me sometimes but I continue to move through as gracefully as possible.
I don’t always get it right. I still make some desperate decisions that I know shouldn’t be made. I come back to myself. I revive my pulse and the cycle continues. My process though messy and often times ugly adds value to my personhood. And, I think it’s ok to struggle with singleness because we were made for relationship, but it’s not ok to continuously stay in those feelings.