Fear of the Journey

This is what FEAR looks like! It wasn’t until I looked at this picture in my phone that I took on an airplane last week that I saw myself. This is what fear looks like for me and I think I’m the only one who notices it. Often times I move so rapidly that I have
fearno time to reflect on internal feelings–though I know they are there. Some of my academic friends call my Breezy because I move quickly through things with outward ease. However, what they see as me breezing through tasks, I’ll call it what it is…..RUNNING!

Have you ever run from something that you knew had you backed into a corner? Maybe it is a conversation, maybe school projects or even a relationship. Regardless, in avoiding a particular task, we give up so many more opportunities. We sacrifice ourselves and others because of our selfish behavior.

Every time I look at this picture and see myself staring back I keep asking myself, “Why are you running?” Well, truth be told, every opportunity doesn’t always seem like it, but more of a death sentence that I consent to. Have you ever felt like that? It’s tough and it hurts.

Moment of transparency: this month I was struggling with wellness, mainly exhaustion and fatigue. As a result, of being in a Phd program, teacher, practicing christian, and writer, I wore myself out. Though I knew that burnout was possible, I felt that I was invincible. Wrong. This is a direct contradiction in my thinking process. How can I be invincible and run at the same time?

I was running because what was required of me would potentially open me up for judgment and vulnerability. In order to help someone means that I have to be selfless and continuously face the truth. So, in an attempt to navigate around the task, I threw myself more into my work at school. I worked tirelessly without taking a break for days.

Eventually, my body began to shut down on me both mentally and physically. For two weeks I was unable to go to the gym, I couldn’t sustain long conversations without asking people to repeat their words, my brain would shutdown after an hour of working, and I suffered from insomnia which delayed my motor skills. I went to the doctor and they attempted to diagnose me with depression/anxiety and also prescribe medication. While I knew I wasn’t depressed, I was just tired, I started to believe that I needed medication to help me slowdown.

I suffered horribly because I was running from my purpose. I’m reminded of Jonah in the bible and how God allowed a big fish to swallow him because he ran from his purpose. Long story short, I did not need those medicines, I needed to submit my will and obey the command that God had placed in my heart. So many times, we get bogged down by the winds of life, we get pushed about and become unstable because we might be called one way while our purpose is called another.

I learned a valuable lesson while running: I can run but I cannot hide! I suffered from things I didn’t have to because I was being disobedient. There is a scripture that says “Obedience is better than sacrifice” and I’m a firm believer of its merit. I won’t let fear put me into situations that might compromise my destiny. When we allow fear to operate and control our lives, we participate in our own self-destruction.

Let’s agree to try to submit to our destiny, even though we might feel that we aren’t qualified.

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