Have you ever noticed that something within you changed? Maybe your attitude, the way you respond to others, your desires, your diligence. Could even be your dreams, trust, tenacity, or peace. But when something dies within us, we rarely notice it until sometime down the line. Usually, it’s when someone asks us to recall an incident, brings up that old relationship or asks our story. At that point we reflect–sometimes from a distance–and if we’re honest we can find the moment where we died symbolically.
A couple of days ago, I noticed an unsettling feeling towards something I saw online. It wasn’t anything negative, it just didn’t include me. Ultimately, I had fought for a while to be included in someone’s life and when they didn’t include me, it killed something in my spirit. No, it didn’t discourage me nor did it cause me to get angry, it just silenced me. Silenced hope, silenced the vision I was creating, silenced my mind. I didn’t notice these effects until yesterday, when I noticed that I became mean. Not nasty, just standoffish, short and uninvolved.
I turned myself into myself and I secretly hurt. These feelings creeped up on me, I didn’t know I harbored them so strongly and I became angry with myself. When something dies within me I blame myself. Sometimes I know its coming and hope it wouldn’t, other times I am completely blindsided. Nonetheless, its tough but it’s important to know why there is a sudden shift in your behavior.
Dealing with death in any way is no small task. Usually we are prepared for the passing of someone we love but almost never prepared for the passing of ourselves. In those moments I believe its hard to know which way to turn, who to trust and love, because we struggle to reciprocate those things to ourselves. Self death is dangerous, it is one of the only ways that we can turn on ourselves. But if we catch it in time and are willing to confront its presence we can move forward.